Speed Reduction / Comic Store Closure

 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

9 May 2023

NEW SPEED REGULATORS?

COPS COULDN'T CATCH THEM SO EVERYONE SUFFERS!

After many successful bank robberies, the government of Los Santos has decided to force the installation of new speed governors in ALL vehicles.  Some vehicles might be able to pull off a little more speed than others, but every car was definitely affected by this.

Now, this reporter went a little deeper into the sauce and talked with the local mech shops to inquire about this.  It would seem that even the cop cars are getting hit with these new speed governors. So, what the hell is the point?  Why limit everyone's speed just because you can't catch me the damn criminals out there? Commissioner Little Foot was unable to comment on this situation as he was busy stuffing his shoes.

Perhaps with all these reductions in speed, people will stop accidentally running into each other. Only time will tell.

COMIC STORE CLOSES

ABONDENED STORE CLOSES    

Many of you have probably seen the My Stories Comic store.  Only a small handful of people have actually been inside.  The Government has decided to stop subsidizing the rent payments for the store after inactivity from the owner.

An attempt to reach out to the ownership of the comic store was made, but it was unsuccessful. We were able to get in touch with the Mayor of LS and he had the following statement: "This city will only allow for so much leeway before we have to take action.  Owning a business is a privilege here that many are not afforded. Remember that when you attempt to open one of your own."

UP n ATOM

 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

7 May 2023

NEW FOOD JOINT?

BLOW JOBS TO FAST FOOD

A new food establishment opened up in LS and it's owned by Johnny King, formally of the Blow Job Kings. When asked why he decided to open this food establishment he replied, "Dawg, da fuq a establishment" Obviously we are not going to get much out of any interviews with him so I'll just sum up what I can only imagine would be some of his replies. Dawg, cuh, bro, Aaron Rogers.

This reporter has gone behind the counters and checked out some of the menu items.  The names these folks come up with is, for lack of a better word, crap.  I won't spoil anything for you here, I'll leave that to the fry cooks, but I do encourage you to check it out. Just be careful because the staff here is, for lack of a better word, criminals.