27 Apr 2023

 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

27 April 2023

LITTLES WEAPON MANUFACTURING?

THE LITTLES FAMILY GO DOWN, AGAIN

It was a clear night when the smoke cleared from 8207 Magellan Ave where 3 Littles and an unknown were incapacitated by Police officers.  The Officers got multiple calls reporting heavy gunfire from the area. Upon arriving on the scene the suspects seen were using LMGs, SMGs, ARs, Sniper Rifles, and well anything you could think of.  The Littles switched their focus to the oncoming officers and opened fire. The cops quickly gave them a little space and regrouped before they pushed in.  After an extensive gun fight and perhaps a couple homing missiles, the Cops were able to successfully neutralize the threat.  

After searching the area, the Cops found a bench that was used to make weapons and confiscated it.  Hopefully no one else was using this bench cause its locked up in MRPD evidence. Commissioner "Little Foot" had the following statement for the city, "We cracked down on a large weapons supplier in Los Santos today.  And I want all the criminals out there to know that we are coming for them. Me and my size sixes, err twelves, hey don't write that, I didn't say sixes, someone arrest that man."

What does this mean for the rest of the city?  Where are the guns going to come from now? Where the fuck is my silencer?  All these questions and more will have to wait to be answered. Maybe the cops have earned a brief period for respite. 

24 Apr 2023

                                      LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Chuck Little

                                                                                                                                        24 April 2023

BENNY'S NEW OWNERSHIP?

Dixie Chicks take over.

Benny's was recently remodeled and about to open when the crypto market crashed. Benny had no way to keep paying his staff after the cost of upgrading his facilities. He needed a new owner, someone with vision, someone with artistic talent.  This person ended up being Rayne Cross, formerly of the La La. Some may know her from her time as a mechanic at Hayes Auto, back when Mr. Smoke owned it before he became a recluse.  She definitely has an eye for customizing cars, so I recommend you let her have full artistic control over your car when you stop by the shop.

MOVEMENT INSIDE MAZE BANK ARENA?

Herald Johnson Returns.

Herald Johnson has come back from his relatively short trip and opened the doors of Maze Bank Arena for events. The first event that will be held there is GSF's derby on Tuesday. Mr. Johnson claims he has many more events planned and will be rolling them out every other week that there is no races. Now this is separate from anything citizens of LS want to do. The arena will be available to rent out for your own events. Just contact Mr. Johnson to set something up. The list of events that are available are: Paintball, Destruction derby, Monster trunks, Go-karts, Concerts, Fame or Shame set, Fighting and Rocket league with more to come.

When asked what his goals are with this Mr. Johnson replied with," I just want folks to have a good time. And usually, the best way to get folks to want to try anything new is to throw money at it." Now Mr. Johnson has a hell of a criminal record and was allegedly a member of the Blow Job Kings, if not a boss. So how does a gang member go from that to this? "Love" is all that Mr. Johnson replied with.

VU CLOSES DOWN?

Tucker Jones Moves to Roger's Scrap Yard

Tucker Jones leaves the Vanilla Unicorn and becomes the owner of Roger's Scrap Yard. When asked why he transitioned to the scrap business from the titty business he stated, "well, folks never really came around for the entertainment anymore, they just wanted my milkshakes." Now some of you may be wondering as to whom the new owner is going to be but there is no buyer as of yet.  The asking price from Mr. Jones is $20 Million, currently. 

What will we do without cheap entertainment and pole dancing? Where will the average person that can't find intimacy go now?  Where the fuck am I going to get milkshakes from now? All these unanswered questions and only time will tell.

CHEAP BULLETS?

They Just Don't Make Them Like They Used To.

Seems like LS has found a new manufacturer of ammo. And the outcome isn't good.  This reporter has learned that these "new" bullets don't pack as much of a punch.  Hell, even my revolver don't knock cops down as quick (Someone should look into that). Anyway, it would seem the crypto crash along with the trash gold and silver, has caused the city to only get access to these trashcan bullets. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if someone didn't come through your house and nab your good bullets and replace them with these imports already.

22 April 2023 SPECIAL EDITION

                                     LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Chuck Little

22 April 2023

ECLIPSE HOSPITAL CLOSING DOWN?

LAWSUIT GOES WRONG

Eclipse Hospital if being forced to close its doors after a lawsuit devastates the Hospitals funds.  A lawsuit involving a rogue EMS employee that beat a civilian nearly to death, and increasing malpractice insurance due to this, leaves the Hospitals budget drastically low to the point they can no longer afford the Eclipse Tower.

"The Hospital is moving, not shutting down", says Chief of Medicine Howard Mustache. "Not even sure how much longer I will be around as Chief after this lawsuit." Sources close to the hospital have told this reporter that they are moving to Pillbox Hill Medical Center.

Now, this move brings the Hospital closer to MRPD and even Advanced Auto, where it seems a lot of folks get injured for some reason. So, ultimately, this move could be a good thing for the city. Hell, it is right off the highway after all. 

NEW LAWFIRM OPENS

Montgomery & Assocates

There's a new lawyer in town. Reid Montgomery has taken over the old Law Offices and is looking to defend your rights!  Reach out, get in touch, come say hi.  She is looking for more employees as we speak so if your experienced in law or even if your looking to start your law career, reach out to her.

GRAND THEFT AUTO ON THE RISE

Cars are getting stolen left and right in this great city while Commissioner "Little Foot" doesn't even show up to work.   Citizens of Los Santos, LOCK YOUR CAR DOORS! Hinder the criminals from stealing your hard-earned ride. 

22 Apr 2023

                                  LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Chuck Little

22 April 2023

WHATS GOING ON AT THE FOUNDRY?

Sources at the foundry report that recent surveys of rare metals in the local quarries and mines are not as pure as they used to be.  This unexpected phenomenon has also bled over to the rivers and streams.  What does this mean for you, the citizens of Los Santos? Well, according to our metallurgist, you're just not going to be getting the same use out of those Gold and Silver ingots. 

Now, we couldn't stop reporting there, we had to go deeper into the issue.  We contacted world renowned Geologist, Harvy Stone of LS University and what he had to say was indeed alarming. "We can expect to see further decline in the quality of our gold and silver ore in the coming months or even sooner."  He even went further saying that no one has found a reason yet, but the leading theory is over mining in the area has made it harder to find pure Gold and Silver.

This reporter couldn't wait to find out more so off to the foundry we go.  Turns out, each Gold and Silver ingots can only make 2 pieces of jewelry vice the previous 3.

DRIFT RACING

Every other week there is a drift car race as part of a larger circuit.  This race is held at the Diamond Casino & Resort dirt track.  All are welcome to come watch. The next race is Saturday 11PM EST.  Want to do more than just watch the races?  Watch out for open tryouts.  These tryouts are often advertised via Twitter or Instagram.  Many team owners are looking for more drivers.  During these open tryouts, you will even be able to get some track time on to practice your drifting skills. Looking for more information? Contact Peter Calandra or Virginia Lee.

20 Apr 2023

                                 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

20 April 2023

CRYPTO CRASH

QBit, a major cryptocurrency exchange, and QBit.LS, its LS branch, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, QBit announced Thursday. The companies also faced an apparent hack that drained more than $600 million from user wallets later the same day. QBit’s balance sheet, published by the LS Times, shows a 10:1 ratio of liabilities to assets, suggesting that any bankruptcy recovery for affected users could be small to nonexistent.

Founder and CEO Quintis Perrywinkle has resigned, according to Thursday’s press release.

The exchanges crashed amidst liquidity concerns and allegations of misused funds followed by a large volume of withdrawals from rattled investors. The value of QBit’s native token, Qbit, plummeted today, and will continue to plummet.

The impact of QBit’s crash is having wide-reaching implications throughout the crypto market, as cryptocurrencies and exchanges with exposure to Qbit face sinking prices and financial troubles.

If you still own QBit crypto, SELL WHILE YOU CAN!  There is no indication that the market will recover and could very well be gone anytime in the near future.

POLICE DEPARTMENT SHAKE UP

There's a new Commissioner in town.  Billy Hamm (Little Foot) has taken over as the Commissioner of LS's law enforcement branches. Commissioner Hamm promises to take a harder approach at crime in LS, stating that "we no longer give in to frivolous demands nor will the PD give into demands that impede our ability to apprehend criminals." 

His second in command, Chief Clark Wayne has stated that law enforcement has a new vision for LS.  Looking at a more inclusive department overall along with more community outreach. "We don't only want to protect the citizens of LS but we also want to get to know them, hang out with them, and let them know that we don't just uphold the law." 

Along with this change of command, the PD has also welcomed back more than six officers that have left over the last couple of months.  "PD has grown exponentially in the last week and we should have cops around every day now." Stated Chief Wayne.  

A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR

It has been an honor and privilege to be a part of this great city. The time has come for me to focus my efforts elsewhere for some time. Anyone wanting to report the news, please feel free to reach out to me via my email.  I'll be able to look over your articles and even help you publish them.  I just won't have time to be writing them anymore.  I will return to LS someday. But until then, be safe, and take care of each other.  

And to Virginia Lee,  we will get married upon my return if you will still have me.  I know my departure is abrupt but it couldn't have come at a better time.  You will see.  With all my heart, I love you.

Herald Johnson