Speed Reduction / Comic Store Closure

 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

9 May 2023

NEW SPEED REGULATORS?

COPS COULDN'T CATCH THEM SO EVERYONE SUFFERS!

After many successful bank robberies, the government of Los Santos has decided to force the installation of new speed governors in ALL vehicles.  Some vehicles might be able to pull off a little more speed than others, but every car was definitely affected by this.

Now, this reporter went a little deeper into the sauce and talked with the local mech shops to inquire about this.  It would seem that even the cop cars are getting hit with these new speed governors. So, what the hell is the point?  Why limit everyone's speed just because you can't catch me the damn criminals out there? Commissioner Little Foot was unable to comment on this situation as he was busy stuffing his shoes.

Perhaps with all these reductions in speed, people will stop accidentally running into each other. Only time will tell.

COMIC STORE CLOSES

ABONDENED STORE CLOSES    

Many of you have probably seen the My Stories Comic store.  Only a small handful of people have actually been inside.  The Government has decided to stop subsidizing the rent payments for the store after inactivity from the owner.

An attempt to reach out to the ownership of the comic store was made, but it was unsuccessful. We were able to get in touch with the Mayor of LS and he had the following statement: "This city will only allow for so much leeway before we have to take action.  Owning a business is a privilege here that many are not afforded. Remember that when you attempt to open one of your own."

UP n ATOM

 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

7 May 2023

NEW FOOD JOINT?

BLOW JOBS TO FAST FOOD

A new food establishment opened up in LS and it's owned by Johnny King, formally of the Blow Job Kings. When asked why he decided to open this food establishment he replied, "Dawg, da fuq a establishment" Obviously we are not going to get much out of any interviews with him so I'll just sum up what I can only imagine would be some of his replies. Dawg, cuh, bro, Aaron Rogers.

This reporter has gone behind the counters and checked out some of the menu items.  The names these folks come up with is, for lack of a better word, crap.  I won't spoil anything for you here, I'll leave that to the fry cooks, but I do encourage you to check it out. Just be careful because the staff here is, for lack of a better word, criminals.

27 Apr 2023

 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

27 April 2023

LITTLES WEAPON MANUFACTURING?

THE LITTLES FAMILY GO DOWN, AGAIN

It was a clear night when the smoke cleared from 8207 Magellan Ave where 3 Littles and an unknown were incapacitated by Police officers.  The Officers got multiple calls reporting heavy gunfire from the area. Upon arriving on the scene the suspects seen were using LMGs, SMGs, ARs, Sniper Rifles, and well anything you could think of.  The Littles switched their focus to the oncoming officers and opened fire. The cops quickly gave them a little space and regrouped before they pushed in.  After an extensive gun fight and perhaps a couple homing missiles, the Cops were able to successfully neutralize the threat.  

After searching the area, the Cops found a bench that was used to make weapons and confiscated it.  Hopefully no one else was using this bench cause its locked up in MRPD evidence. Commissioner "Little Foot" had the following statement for the city, "We cracked down on a large weapons supplier in Los Santos today.  And I want all the criminals out there to know that we are coming for them. Me and my size sixes, err twelves, hey don't write that, I didn't say sixes, someone arrest that man."

What does this mean for the rest of the city?  Where are the guns going to come from now? Where the fuck is my silencer?  All these questions and more will have to wait to be answered. Maybe the cops have earned a brief period for respite. 

24 Apr 2023

                                      LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Chuck Little

                                                                                                                                        24 April 2023

BENNY'S NEW OWNERSHIP?

Dixie Chicks take over.

Benny's was recently remodeled and about to open when the crypto market crashed. Benny had no way to keep paying his staff after the cost of upgrading his facilities. He needed a new owner, someone with vision, someone with artistic talent.  This person ended up being Rayne Cross, formerly of the La La. Some may know her from her time as a mechanic at Hayes Auto, back when Mr. Smoke owned it before he became a recluse.  She definitely has an eye for customizing cars, so I recommend you let her have full artistic control over your car when you stop by the shop.

MOVEMENT INSIDE MAZE BANK ARENA?

Herald Johnson Returns.

Herald Johnson has come back from his relatively short trip and opened the doors of Maze Bank Arena for events. The first event that will be held there is GSF's derby on Tuesday. Mr. Johnson claims he has many more events planned and will be rolling them out every other week that there is no races. Now this is separate from anything citizens of LS want to do. The arena will be available to rent out for your own events. Just contact Mr. Johnson to set something up. The list of events that are available are: Paintball, Destruction derby, Monster trunks, Go-karts, Concerts, Fame or Shame set, Fighting and Rocket league with more to come.

When asked what his goals are with this Mr. Johnson replied with," I just want folks to have a good time. And usually, the best way to get folks to want to try anything new is to throw money at it." Now Mr. Johnson has a hell of a criminal record and was allegedly a member of the Blow Job Kings, if not a boss. So how does a gang member go from that to this? "Love" is all that Mr. Johnson replied with.

VU CLOSES DOWN?

Tucker Jones Moves to Roger's Scrap Yard

Tucker Jones leaves the Vanilla Unicorn and becomes the owner of Roger's Scrap Yard. When asked why he transitioned to the scrap business from the titty business he stated, "well, folks never really came around for the entertainment anymore, they just wanted my milkshakes." Now some of you may be wondering as to whom the new owner is going to be but there is no buyer as of yet.  The asking price from Mr. Jones is $20 Million, currently. 

What will we do without cheap entertainment and pole dancing? Where will the average person that can't find intimacy go now?  Where the fuck am I going to get milkshakes from now? All these unanswered questions and only time will tell.

CHEAP BULLETS?

They Just Don't Make Them Like They Used To.

Seems like LS has found a new manufacturer of ammo. And the outcome isn't good.  This reporter has learned that these "new" bullets don't pack as much of a punch.  Hell, even my revolver don't knock cops down as quick (Someone should look into that). Anyway, it would seem the crypto crash along with the trash gold and silver, has caused the city to only get access to these trashcan bullets. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if someone didn't come through your house and nab your good bullets and replace them with these imports already.

22 April 2023 SPECIAL EDITION

                                     LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Chuck Little

22 April 2023

ECLIPSE HOSPITAL CLOSING DOWN?

LAWSUIT GOES WRONG

Eclipse Hospital if being forced to close its doors after a lawsuit devastates the Hospitals funds.  A lawsuit involving a rogue EMS employee that beat a civilian nearly to death, and increasing malpractice insurance due to this, leaves the Hospitals budget drastically low to the point they can no longer afford the Eclipse Tower.

"The Hospital is moving, not shutting down", says Chief of Medicine Howard Mustache. "Not even sure how much longer I will be around as Chief after this lawsuit." Sources close to the hospital have told this reporter that they are moving to Pillbox Hill Medical Center.

Now, this move brings the Hospital closer to MRPD and even Advanced Auto, where it seems a lot of folks get injured for some reason. So, ultimately, this move could be a good thing for the city. Hell, it is right off the highway after all. 

NEW LAWFIRM OPENS

Montgomery & Assocates

There's a new lawyer in town. Reid Montgomery has taken over the old Law Offices and is looking to defend your rights!  Reach out, get in touch, come say hi.  She is looking for more employees as we speak so if your experienced in law or even if your looking to start your law career, reach out to her.

GRAND THEFT AUTO ON THE RISE

Cars are getting stolen left and right in this great city while Commissioner "Little Foot" doesn't even show up to work.   Citizens of Los Santos, LOCK YOUR CAR DOORS! Hinder the criminals from stealing your hard-earned ride. 

22 Apr 2023

                                  LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Chuck Little

22 April 2023

WHATS GOING ON AT THE FOUNDRY?

Sources at the foundry report that recent surveys of rare metals in the local quarries and mines are not as pure as they used to be.  This unexpected phenomenon has also bled over to the rivers and streams.  What does this mean for you, the citizens of Los Santos? Well, according to our metallurgist, you're just not going to be getting the same use out of those Gold and Silver ingots. 

Now, we couldn't stop reporting there, we had to go deeper into the issue.  We contacted world renowned Geologist, Harvy Stone of LS University and what he had to say was indeed alarming. "We can expect to see further decline in the quality of our gold and silver ore in the coming months or even sooner."  He even went further saying that no one has found a reason yet, but the leading theory is over mining in the area has made it harder to find pure Gold and Silver.

This reporter couldn't wait to find out more so off to the foundry we go.  Turns out, each Gold and Silver ingots can only make 2 pieces of jewelry vice the previous 3.

DRIFT RACING

Every other week there is a drift car race as part of a larger circuit.  This race is held at the Diamond Casino & Resort dirt track.  All are welcome to come watch. The next race is Saturday 11PM EST.  Want to do more than just watch the races?  Watch out for open tryouts.  These tryouts are often advertised via Twitter or Instagram.  Many team owners are looking for more drivers.  During these open tryouts, you will even be able to get some track time on to practice your drifting skills. Looking for more information? Contact Peter Calandra or Virginia Lee.

20 Apr 2023

                                 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

20 April 2023

CRYPTO CRASH

QBit, a major cryptocurrency exchange, and QBit.LS, its LS branch, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, QBit announced Thursday. The companies also faced an apparent hack that drained more than $600 million from user wallets later the same day. QBit’s balance sheet, published by the LS Times, shows a 10:1 ratio of liabilities to assets, suggesting that any bankruptcy recovery for affected users could be small to nonexistent.

Founder and CEO Quintis Perrywinkle has resigned, according to Thursday’s press release.

The exchanges crashed amidst liquidity concerns and allegations of misused funds followed by a large volume of withdrawals from rattled investors. The value of QBit’s native token, Qbit, plummeted today, and will continue to plummet.

The impact of QBit’s crash is having wide-reaching implications throughout the crypto market, as cryptocurrencies and exchanges with exposure to Qbit face sinking prices and financial troubles.

If you still own QBit crypto, SELL WHILE YOU CAN!  There is no indication that the market will recover and could very well be gone anytime in the near future.

POLICE DEPARTMENT SHAKE UP

There's a new Commissioner in town.  Billy Hamm (Little Foot) has taken over as the Commissioner of LS's law enforcement branches. Commissioner Hamm promises to take a harder approach at crime in LS, stating that "we no longer give in to frivolous demands nor will the PD give into demands that impede our ability to apprehend criminals." 

His second in command, Chief Clark Wayne has stated that law enforcement has a new vision for LS.  Looking at a more inclusive department overall along with more community outreach. "We don't only want to protect the citizens of LS but we also want to get to know them, hang out with them, and let them know that we don't just uphold the law." 

Along with this change of command, the PD has also welcomed back more than six officers that have left over the last couple of months.  "PD has grown exponentially in the last week and we should have cops around every day now." Stated Chief Wayne.  

A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR

It has been an honor and privilege to be a part of this great city. The time has come for me to focus my efforts elsewhere for some time. Anyone wanting to report the news, please feel free to reach out to me via my email.  I'll be able to look over your articles and even help you publish them.  I just won't have time to be writing them anymore.  I will return to LS someday. But until then, be safe, and take care of each other.  

And to Virginia Lee,  we will get married upon my return if you will still have me.  I know my departure is abrupt but it couldn't have come at a better time.  You will see.  With all my heart, I love you.

Herald Johnson

11 FEB 2023

 

LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

11 February 2023

PACIFIC BANK GETS ROBBED!

COPS LEFT BAFFLED!

On February 3rd, the Pacific Bank was robbed by 3 armed individuals in masks.  According to sources, over 8 cops arrived on scene to secure the two hostages and attempt to control the situation. Was it superior driving skills? Was it superior shooting? Nope. This reported has sources from the event and has learned that the job was done without a shot fired and a boat.

Thats right, a boat.  The cops pursued the three suspects in a stolen local car and drove them around the city for about twenty minutes before stopping behind the Burger Shot and jumping over the railing to a waiting boat and a getaway Helmsman.  The Boat left the area into open waters where the cops lost sight and got away.  Cops probably left baffled by the event had to pack up and go back to MRPD empty handed as the BIGGEST bank in the city was completely emptied. The bank manager, left completely speechless by the cop's ineffectiveness, has no idea how they even got past the unbreakable electronic locks on the vault door.

WAIT, THATS NOT A COP IN THAT POLICE VEHICLE!?

COP CARS STOLEN AT AN ALARMING RATE!

Criminals have been stealing cop cars right from in front of MRPD. This has led to multiple crimes where the cops just can't catch them. So how do you know if that cop that's pulling you over is actually a cop? Is it a criminal waiting to take your belongings or worse? When asked about this recent string of Police vehicle thefts, Trooper Hamm from the SASP stated, "We are aware of the issue and have taken steps to prevent further theft of PD equipment. We've also adjusted our response and I have been working closely with other departments to ensure criminals will think twice before impersonating our officers. If you suspect someone is impersonating an officer, call 911 and we will confirm their identity or show up to arrest them." Are they doing enough? Only time will tell.

THE LS TIMES PRESENTS FIGHT NIGHT!

GET YOUR COSTUME, COME UP WITH A FIGHTER NAME AND SIGN UP!

Ever dream about being a professional fighter? This is a completely legal fight club. That right, legal fight club. All you have to do is send Herald Johnson an email, give him a call, send him a tweet, anything... just contact him and you will be entered into the 1st of many FIGHT NIGHTS.  Go ahead, have fun with your fighter outfit and name.  Don't want to fight, come watch. The matches will be held at the Pink Cage motel at 7109, Hawick Ave. No cost to watch. No cost to sign up. Tournement style bracket. Winner takes home $200,000.00!  Second place takes home $100,000.00! Third place takes home $50,000.00! Hope to see you there!

EVER DREAM OF FIGHTING THE LAW WITH THE LAW?

Benson Law Office is Hiring!

Benson Law Office is Hiring and Training you for the job of your dreams!  Thats right, they will take those with no experience and train them up.  It's up to you how far you go in this field.  You want to be the next Judge in LS? You better get the experience you need from Benson Law Office.  There is only one thing that stands between the citizens of this great city and corrupt cops. Lawyers.  Stop complaining about the cops and beat them using the LAW against them.  As an attorney (after much training) you can help make case law for LS with your actual cases against the Police Department.  THIS IS HUGE! Stop waiting, Contact Gabriella Benson NOW!

REST IN PEACE JULIO CAMPBELL

YOU WILL BE MISSED.

"This one time, I responded to a house robbery call and when I went in, I was met by Mr. Campbell. He had his gun drawn, I had mine drawn as well.  We both had cover, no one was going anywhere. I'm not sure who suggested it, but we both agreed to drop our guns and decide the outcome with fists.  He got me to an inch of my life, and I called mercy, he stopped and said good shit than walked out the door." Said an officer that wished to remain anonymous. "He will be missed, I know he's a criminal with a heinous record, but he just seemed to liven up the place a bit, wherever he was, no matter what he was doing." 

Julio Campbell was shot multiple times after a Vangelico Jewel Store robbery on 27 January 2023.  Julio led the police on a chase that ended in a garage with music blasting.  Julio took out his automatic weapon and started shooting at the officers. The officers responded, hitting Julio multiple times. EMS arrived on scene and attempted to stabilize him, but his wounds were too grave to get him in a stable condition.  EMS rushed him to Eclipse hospital where advanced life saving techniques were used but to no avail. Julio Campbell died on the operating table succumbing to his wounds.

3 Jan 2023

  LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

3 January 2023

NEW VINEYARD OPEN FOR BUSINESS! 

LOOKING TO MAKE SOME CASH?

The Marlowe Vineyard is located on Buen Vino Road in Tongva Hills.
Start your shift as seen in the picture to the right. Once you start your shift head on down the dirt road north and find you a bushel of white or red grapes. As seen below. This reporter recommends bringing a bike or other small vehicle with you for this journey as it helps the process, significantly. 

 Once you have your grapes in hand you can smash into juice on the barrels located to the east of the main building. You can sell either the grapes or the juice to Angel Grey (370-933-7912) or Erin Adams (238-878-9980). They are also purchasing glass bottles or glass.

Along with making some cash from these fine ladies, you can purchase craft beer and wine. If you are looking to host a party, they also sell kegs! A full listing of their offerings can be seen below.

When asked about why the shift from Eclipse Medical to owning a Vineyard, Angel stated that they felt like their time has come to do other things and always had a dream of owning their own business. Eclipse Medical is currently still looking for a chief of medicine. Interested parties should contact the government to apply.

LA LA LOTTO!                                     

New State Approved Lotto opens up in LS with Ms. Rayne leading the way.  Contact Ms. Rayne to purchase lotto tickets.  You can purchase up to 5 tickets at $5,000. You pick your numbers.  If no winning tickets are claimed, the prize money is carried over to the next lotto!  Next drawing is on 14 January 2023. 

As of writing this, the current jackpot is $93,500! 

  

GOT ANY NEWS STORY LS NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT? FEEL FREE TO LET ME KNOW!

Feel free to comment, constructive criticism is welcome.

2 JAN 2023

 LOS SANTOS TIMES

by Herald Johnson

2 January 2023

CAN WE EXPECT DRUG FREE STREETS 

IN THE NEAR FUTURE?

A random 911 call from LS Bridge led to the arrest of meth manufacturing supplier.  An odd set of circumstances lead to this bust by Officer Clark Wayne from the LSPD.  When questioned by this reporter, Captain Royer stated that Officer Wayne followed a vehicle of interest to an alley way where the "Lady in the Coat" was seen and she freely showed the LSPD what she was offering.  Can we expect to have meth free streets in the near future as the manufacturing process has been interrupted? Captain Royer said that was not likely in LS. 

LA LA LOTTO! 

New State Approved Lotto opens up in LS with Ms. Rayne leading the way.  Contact Ms. Rayne to purchase lotto tickets.  You can purchase up to 5 tickets at $5,000. You pick your numbers.  If no winning tickets are claimed, the prize money is carried over to the next lotto!  Next drawing is on 14 January 2023. Don't miss your chance to win big.

GOT ANY NEWS STORY LS NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT? FEEL FREE TO LET ME KNOW!

This is my first editorial piece.  Feel free to comment, constructive criticism is welcome.